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Mystery Pub: Brighton Metro

The sixteenth edition of Mystery Pub was underway.

Claire was this month’s pilot and we flew down Tapleys Hill Road and as always neither Tapley nor his/her hill were anywhere in sight. Still, the hill was alive with the sound of Friday afternoon. As always I had no idea where we might be destined. It’s an intoxicating concept.

Being within a particular demographic Escape to the Country holds a curious appeal and we’re often flopped on the couch on a Saturday evening taking in this perennial property porn. In each episode the couple are shown three houses in their county of choice (rarely Shropshire) and the final one is always described by the smug host as the ‘mystery house.’ And most weeks, I’m sure to Claire’s silent dismay, I holler at the screen, ‘Great. The mystery house. Aren’t they all mystery fecking houses?’

For the first time we welcomed guests to accompany us. Old friends and former Kimba residents, Mozz and Kath were in town and had long expressed an interest in the MP notion so we popped them in the back of the motor and before we knew it Claire had skidded to a balletic stop at the Brighton Metro alongside an old Jaguar.

Once we had conquered the maze involving the pokies room, Charlie’s diner, the Sports Bar, Tutankhamen’s tomb, and various other antechambers we burst out, blinking and bordering on dehydration, into the delicious sunlight of Adelaide’s latest beer garden. That it sits on what was once the northern part of the carpark matters not for it’s a big and inviting space and there was a thrilling hub-bub as we claimed a table. It was reserved at 6pm for Bev/Jody/Sue/Matilda or some such as the laminated sign on the table announced.

We had forty minutes. We set to work.

We chatted of folk we knew and as Mozz and Kath have been to the US of A a few times and spectated at pro-golf tournaments they shared stories of encounters with the sport’s elite such as Stuart Appleby and concluded that most were generous and receptive. As you’d hope.

This contrasted sharply with my experience of a former Australian cricket captain who I crossed paths with one morning at Adelaide Oval. It was only he and I and I simply nodded acknowledgement, as decency demands, when he ambled past. I only expected a nod or a quick smile in return. I asked not for an autograph or a tip in Dapto Dogs. Instead, he glared at me as if I’d just done something unspeakable in his shoe. I was aghast. His nickname may have rhymed with ‘Tubby.’

With Mozz sporting a more free-flowing, Woodstock-inspired hairdo and goatee-beard combo talk then moved to who his fashion inspiration might be. I confess it appeared a little unruly and foppish and Kath declared that she calls her husband, ‘Boris.’ Both enjoy a party. Subsequent suggestions included Billy Connelly and a superannuated Dude from The Big Lebowski.

The Happy Hour included beers and wines at $6 and assorted cocktails at reasonable prices. We noted with pleasure that dogs are welcome too and spotted a couple canines perched by the tables. This is emblematic of a pub keen to impress and if I had a choice of buying a Pale Ale for a Golden Retriever or our 39th Test captain, the beer would be poured into a bowl.

2

Mystery Pub: The Beer Smells Like A Microphone in John Doe’s Local Bar

The bookshelf’s stocked with crime novels and old Lonely Planets. I’m an incurable bibliophile so have a quick squizz. There’s also a stack of board games including, to my surprise, Twister. This is a tiny bar and I reckon if the plastic, colour-dotted mat is rolled out the writhing tangle of arms and legs might give some sizzle to the meaning of Happy Hour.

John Doe’s Local Bar is a welcome addition to the grog-scape in this southwestern nook of the CBD. It’s home to some great pubs such as The Duke of Brunswick and the Gilbert Street Hotel but provides an appealing contrast for passers-by and residents. I continue to struggle however, with the notion of “local.” Can a bar or pub be anything but local? A remote or distant bar might really squeeze on the drinking handbrake.

On the surrounding footpaths are wine barrels converted to tables with a sprinkling of brave punters bunched about. It’s a frigid spring afternoon so Claire and I sprint inside and secure a spot. Like the Star Gate sequence in 2001: A Space Odyssey when the astronaut Dave Bowman hurtles through a psychedelic rush of things galactic and trippy, there’s much visual stimuli in this cosy boozer.

A quick scan reveals walls of beer coasters; a footy tipping chart; an old technicolor juke box; posters advertising the meat tray raffle on Fridays, live music, comedy nights and above the bar a small TV is set to Sky Racing with the gallopers in the dusk at Scone and Coleraine. My vista could also be a deleted dream scene from the Big Lebowski or an exhibit in the Tate Modern or Hobart’s MONA.

Approaching the bar there’s a man leaning dangerously into his drink and I wonder if he’s, “Makin’ love to his tonic and gin.” He might be making unwise preparations for Twister Night and mumbles something about buying some shots to which I can minister no helpful advice other than, “Good luck with that.”

I order a Prancing Pony Session Ale for me and a white for Claire and then spy a large wine rack under the big TV. All upright, there’s dozens of bottles shoulder-to-shoulder as if they’re ready for some grim but vague battle. It’s a phalanx of Cabernet Franc. At the end of one shelf is that most celebrated vintage: Coopers Sparkling Ale (750ml). Close inspection reveals these are the highly drinkable 2021.

Claire is most smitten because dotted throughout and in the centre of our table are lit candles. These contribute significantly to the bonhomie. The atmosphere is welcoming lounge room and surely, this must be the aspiration of every small bar. Pubs in Melbourne’s Fitzroy do this well but it’s rare in Adelaide.

On the TV screen next to the orangey, dancing fireplace a cricket match flickers green and gold. It’s Australia v India from Mackay and bowling with O’Reilly briskness is Kapunda’s own Darcie Brown. A couple of days’ ago she took 4/33 and became the youngest Australian female or male to grab four wickets in an ODI. Claire and I comment that Darcie looks like her Uncle Paul and grandfather, Bernie.

Three portly chaps have dropped anchor at the bar and appear as if they might be moored in the marina against an approaching storm. The bar does seem to attract folks from neighbouring homes. They could be here for the BBQ that’s soon to a-sizzle on the footpath or maybe there’ll be karaoke later. It’s a busy, ambitious place. I wonder if they have Macrame Mondays or if I’ve missed Sonnet- Writing September. Minimalism isn’t part of the strategic plan here.

Glancing again at these chaps I’m sure one is Paul and a real estate novelist. And his friend is Davy, who’s still in the navy. He probably will be for life.

Or maybe they’re all professional Twister players.

2

Mystery Pub

“As we enter our autumn years, we’ll need other hobbies apart from going to the pub,” Claire said philosophically, if not medically.

“But we already do,” I replied, possibly a little sensitively, “We research pubs, talk about pubs, and I write about pubs,” I added self-consciously, if not metacognitively.

A well-being expert (not Tony Abbott) once said that there’s three ingredients for a good and happy life: something to do, someone to love and something to look forward to. Mystery Pub neatly meets all three once a month for an hour. What a psychologically robust concept it is. So affirming.

Our wedding photographers said the best photos of couples are not when they’re kissing, but the moment just before, when there’s the briefest space and time. It invites the photo’s audience to imagine what next happens and engages them more actively. It’s delicious. Maybe Friday afternoons in a dappled beer garden are like this too. All expectation and simmering bliss. Or maybe that’s a silly stretch or an inappropriate analogy.

But I love the pub for an hour on Friday afternoons.

No more than sixty minutes. Watching strangers arrive, all animated and bustling. I wonder about their lives and private joys and terrors. Then the gradual uplift of buzzing chat punctuated by ruptures of laughter. A chance for Claire to try a new shiraz. I sample a craft ale. The promise dangling in front of a weekend. The transition between work and play.

Our shared, joyous cusp.

Here’s a retrospective of our Mystery Pubs. Some have been triumphant (Mount Mary) while others a little underwhelming (Forth) but still worthy of a visit. The architecture, the history, the mise en scene. Some are female (Lady Burra, Mount Mary, Grace Emily) and others are male (Duke, Benjamin) while some are geographic with Inglewood connoting LA and West Oak evoking medieval England (Meet me at the West Oak, not the East Oak and with our jousting sticks we shall duel to the death).

Anyway, August is Claire’s pick, and I look forward to ambling in for that idyllic hour of escape and discovery.

27/3/26- The Colac (64)

13/2/26- The Cremorne (63)

16/1/26- Elephant and Castle (62)

12/12/25- Rockford (61)

14/11/25- Queen’s Head (60)

31/10/25- Hymn (59)

19/9/25- The Archer (58)

22/8/25- Bckyrd (Peel Street) (57)

25/7/25- The Colonist (56)

19/6/25- Palmer Hotel (55)

May 2025- no MP; life intervening

12/4/25- The Arab Steed (54)

14/3/25- The Ovingham (53)

27/2/25- Crafty Robot (52) with Jill making her MP debut

24/1/25- Hyde Park Tavern (51)

20/21/24- The Grand (50) *moved from The Colley given that’s it’s a beach pub with a no thongs policy, obviously

1/12/24- The Woodville Hotel (49) *November edition delayed due to a technicality

25/10/24- Plain Jane, Leigh Street (48)

27/9/24- The Elephant British Pub (47)

23/8/24- The Hotel Royal (46)

26/7/24- The Pink Pig Wine Bar (45)

21/6/24- The Royal Oak (44)

24/5/24- Port Admiral (43)

19/4/24- Torrens Arms (42)

22/3/24- The King William (formerly the Ambassadors) (41)

23/2/24- The British, North Adelaide (40)

21/1/24- Marion Hotel (39)

23/12/23- Club Marion (38)

10/11/23- The Warradale, Warradale, with special guests Michelle and Trish (37)

20/10/23- The Somerton Bar and Bistro (SLSC), Somerton Park (36)

22/9/23- The Peninsula, Taperoo (35)

19/8/23- The Britannia, Norwood (34)

21/7/23- The Henley Beach, Henley Beach (33)

30/6/23- The Olivia Hotel and the General Havelock (32)

19/5/23- Brickmakers Arms, Brompton (31)

No Mystery Pub in April as we were in Italy.

24/3/23- The Joiners Arms, Hindmarsh, with Mozz and Kath, and Hen and Ali (30)

17/2/23- The Morphett Arms, Glengowrie (29)

27/1/23- The Guardsman, Adelaide Railway Station (28)

9/12/22- The Sailmaster, North Haven (27)

18/11/22- Hilton Hotel, Victoria Square (26)

21/10/22- Seven Stars, with JB and Leonard (25)

16/9/22- Silver Brewing (24)

26/7/22- The Largs Pier (23)

15/7/22- El Cheeky Flamingo, East End (22)

3/6/22- Earl of Leicester (21)

13/5/22- Harry’s Bar on Grenfell (20)

No Mystery Pub in April as we were in Tassie and there were mystery pubs aplenty!

25/3/22- Brightstar Brewing (19)

11/2/22- Brighton Metro, with special guests Mozz and Kath (18)

14/1/22- The Hilton, on South Road (17)

10/12/21- The Golden Wattle (16)

19/11/21- West Thebby Social Club (15)

30/10/21- Bowden Brewing (14)

24/9/21- John Doe’s Local Bar (13)

13/8/21- The Historian (12)

2/7/21- Lady Burra Brewhouse (11)

4/6/21 – Grace Emily (10)

7/5/21- The Kentish (9)

4/4/21- Inglewood Inn (8)

5/3/21- Parkside Hotel (7)

6/2/21- West Oak (6)

22/1/21- Mount Mary (5)

12/12/20- Forth, Jetty Road, Glenelg (4)

20/11/20- Maylands (3)

18/9/20- Duke of Brunswick (2)

15/8/20- Benjamin on Franklin (1)